Dealing with a breakup can be devastating and emotionally straining, especially if you are going through a divorce or were with your former partner for years or even decades.
If you need to contact your ex but you have had no contact for a long time, wondering how to start up a conversation again can cause you to feel stressed out just thinking about it.
However, it is possible to start a conversation with your ex after no contact by first assessing the dynamics of your former relationship while creating a plan of action that is most likely to garner a response.
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It can be, depending on the nature of your last relationship as well as how your relationship ended.
If your last relationship ended on amicable terms and there is no bitterness or ill will towards one another, it may be possible to start a conversation and to communicate with an ex, even if you have gone no contact.
If you are unsure of whether or not you should attempt to contact an ex after going no contact, it is important to consider your previous relationship as well as how it ended.
Evaluating how your relationship ended and whether or not you feel personally comfortable with contacting your ex is extremely important before making a decision.
It is also important to consider why you feel the need to contact them.
If you evaluate the reason why you are thinking of contacting your ex and you believe it is still a good idea, you can then begin to formulate a plan to contact them using a method of communication that will work best for both of you.
The timeframe in which it is best to connect with an ex after having no contact will vary depending on the circumstances of your separation and whether or not you separated on amicable terms.
If you and your ex are both okay with one another without harboring any anger or bitterness, you can consider contacting or connecting with an ex anywhere from a few months to a year after you have officially separated.
When attempting to determine what time is best to connect with an ex, it is also important to keep the reason for connection in mind.
If there is a serious matter that needs to be addressed, you may need to connect with an ex much sooner than a few months after separating, especially if the issue has to do with health, work, or even relocating.
Consider why you need to contact your ex to determine the best time.
While it may seem like there are not many good reasons to start a conversation with an ex or to attempt to connect with an ex after going no contact, there are some reasons that may cause you to feel the need.
Some reasons that you may feel give you a reason to start a conversation with your ex even after you have separated and done so with no contact might include:
- An issue that pertains to any children or pets you have together
- Problems pertaining to your current residence or the location in which both you and your ex-partner lived
- Issues that involve your health or other serious problems, especially after being together for years or even decades with a past partner
- You want to help resolve any bad blood or issues you have between you and your partner with the hopes of starting over new
- You are thinking of getting back together after a trial separation involving no contact
- You simply want to right any wrongs you may have done in your past relationship
If you have made the decision to reach out to your ex, you might be wondering how to go about doing so and when the right time is to connect.
While there is no straightforward or simple answer, there are a few ways to go about attempting to start a conversation with an ex even after you have had little to no contact, such as:
- Sending a simple hello or a greeting that is familiar, but not overly personal to your ex
- Choosing the right platform or method of communication (phone call, texting, email, or even social media)
- Introducing the message with everything you have to say and/or questions you intend to ask your ex
- Asking your ex how they are doing to gauge whether or not they are interested in pursuing a conversation with you
Getting a bit creative when you are starting a conversation with an ex can go a long way, especially if you are unsure of how they will respond or if they will respond to you at all.
Taking it slow is best when you are attempting communication with an ex after having no contact, especially if you have not spoken to your ex in months or even years.
In some cases, it is possible that you would regret starting a conversation with your ex after no contact, especially if you left the relationship on bad terms with one another.
If you are feeling uncomfortable with the idea of starting a conversation with your ex due to how you were treated in your past relationship, it may be best to consider an alternative method of sharing or relaying the message you want to say to your ex.
It is not always easy or straightforward to gauge whether or not a message is well-received, especially if you have sent a message via text or the social media platform of your choice.
If you send a text message or use a social media platform such as Facebook Messenger to send your ex a message, you can enable read receipts or use the social media platform to check to see if your message has been opened and read.
Allow your ex some time to respond after you send your original message, as it may be shocking for them to hear from you.
Your ex may also not know how to respond, or they may need some time for themselves to determine the best way to respond to you.
If you attempt to bombard your ex with messages before giving them time to respond, they may simply choose to ignore or block you.
If you make the decision to attempt to start a conversation with your ex or drum up a relationship again, you will need to keep in mind that there is no guarantee that your ex will feel the same as you or will reciprocate in the manner in which you desire.
If you are planning to reconnect with an ex and start up a conversation, keep the following tips in mind for the best possible outcome(s):
- Remember how your relationship ended and whether or not your ex was happy with the decision to separate before attempting to communicate with them directly after going no contact
- Consider how your ex prefers to communicate and whether or not they would appreciate a surprise text or if they would prefer to hear from you via a traditional phone call
- Take it slow and avoid using pet names or any special phrases or words that you once used when you were dating or together, as this can be emotionally straining and triggering for those who have yet to move on from a past relationship.
- Avoid getting too personal or demanding, even if you still feel comfortable when talking to your ex over the phone or even while texting. Getting too personal and demanding can cause your ex to ignore and block you while running in the opposite direction.
- Ask how your ex is feeling and, if necessary, ask if they are okay with you texting them. Depending on the amount of time that has passed since you were together, your ex may have moved on and may prefer to have no contact.
In some cases, it can be completely normal to attempt to start a conversation with an ex.
The level of normalcy when texting an ex will depend based on how long you were together with your ex as well as the history you have with one another.
If you end the relationship on a positive note, you are also more likely to receive a positive response when reaching out to an ex, even if you have not spoken in some time.
If you are the one receiving messages or your ex is attempting to start up a conversation with you, they may be interested in rekindling your relationship or they may want to pursue a friendship with you.
In order to know what it is that your ex is looking for when they contact you, it is best to be direct and to ask them outright what they are looking for in their conversations.
What do I do if I feel uncomfortable with an ex who is trying to start a conversation after going no contact?
Feeling uneasy or uncomfortable after an ex attempts to contact you and start a conversation can be stressful, especially if the relationship you had with your ex ended on bad terms or on a bad note due to abuse or simply not getting along.
If you do not want your ex to contact you, you can attempt to ignore all of their messages and phone calls. You can also choose to block their number and online accounts as needed.
If you feel comfortable enough, you can also ask your ex to stop attempting to communicate with you directly.
If your ex refuses to listen to you or respect your wishes to remain without contact, you also have the option to go the legal route.
Obtaining a personal order of protection or restraining order may be necessary in cases of a messy divorce or separation, although this is not typically the outcome of communicating again with an ex-partner or spouse.