You’ve been seeing him for a while now, and everything has been smooth and fine since you two made your relationship official. With the obvious next phase, you started expanding your social circle. You introduced him to your friends, and he introduced you to his sacred circle of friends.
It was then that you realized the “John” he had been talking about is “Joan” – your boyfriend’s best friend forever has always been a girl.
Is that the end of the world, or rather the end of the relationship? Is it enough to call it quits on your love story?
Whether you found out that your boyfriend’s BFF is a girl by surprise or otherwise, it could be challenging to get your head around that idea. There’ll nonetheless be questions, like “Are they genuinely only friends?”
Followed up by another question, arising only as a consequence of the society that has conditioned us to think this way: How can a girl and guy be “only” friends?
It’s not easy to move past the conditioning, is it? What can you do? Will you jeopardize the wonderful relationship you’re in – or will you be rational about it and find a plausible solution?
If you’ve decided on the latter, here are a few things you could do:
1. Get to know the girl.
The easiest way to douse jealousy or other unnecessary emotions is to take the bull by its horn. In this case, that means extending your hands and offering to be friends – and when you hit it off, it won’t just be you who’ll be happy and secure, but even your boyfriend will be at ease. The best win-win for all parties involved, indeed!
Invite her to your next soiree or for a girl’s night out. You know you’ll enjoy her company and she yours because both of you have that one common person you’re closely tied to.
Get to know her as a person, and find more things in common. You never know – you could find a BFF or a friend with who you could talk endlessly about the boy you love!
You could also use this opportunity to get to know your boyfriend better. If they’ve been BFFs for a long time, you could find out more about the man you love. Consider this friendship a shortcut for a permanent place in his heart.
In a short period, you can uncover the small nuances about him that would’ve taken you years to figure out, all thanks to this lovely new friend of yours.
2. Look at things from her perspective.
You’re not the social butterfly type who feels comfortable enough to invite a new girl (read: stranger) to your circle. Maybe there’s neither a soiree nor a night out because you’re socially awkward. What now?
If you’re more the thinker type, maybe introspection is better for you. While you’re at it, you can switch places with her. What would you have done if you were the BFF?
Think of your close male friend and his girlfriend: Do you see any dramatic changes in their relationship dynamic? How much did the relationship change just because you, his friend, are a girl?
The best friend in question here has no qualms, and she’s going about her business as usual. The newcomer in this relationship is you – and she might have her reservations too. She might be worried too that this “girlfriend” would take her best friend away.
Let’s look at Samantha’s case to understand this point better.
Samantha and Dennis had been best friends since high school, and people around had speculated a few times if they were actually in a relationship. They didn’t care about what everyone was thinking because they didn’t feel the need to explain themselves.
Enter Nina! When Dennis started dating Nina, she created a wedge between the friends to such an extent that Dennis cut Samantha off for good.
Samantha wasn’t even aware of the whole situation and only found out when another common friend brought it up to her. Until then, she thought Dennis was quiet as he had the habit of withdrawing from communication once in a while. She was heartbroken and couldn’t understand why she had to lose a good friend.
So, here’s the question you need to ask yourself: do you really want to be Nina and come between two good friends? Before driving a wedge between them, please consider what it would be like for the best friend as well. If she’s a good friend and a harmless soul with only the right intentions, you’ll deny your boyfriend a real friend – and only you will be to blame for that.
Be the nice person that you are – and, unless the BFF is really evil, let it slide.
3. Find out the origin of their friendship.
If you’re finding it difficult to be friends with her, and you can’t just let it slide, get your Sherlock Holmes persona out, grab your magnifying glass and start digging into your boyfriend’s past – i.e., his life before you.
Scan Social Media
Scout for common friends and friends of common friends until you get to the root of the origin of the friendship of these two best friends. If they’re genuine friends, you’ll find traces and enough footprints online because they’d have nothing to hide.
In this investigative process, you may even find yourself falling harder for your man. You’ll unearth how wonderful he always has been – and you might even find that you and his girl best friend could easily have been best friends yourselves, had you met under different circumstances.
Speak With His Friends
If you don’t find enough resources on social media to figure this BFF out, you may have to start doing it face to face. Whenever you’re with his friends, try and find about how they started off as friends – and sooner or later, the timeline when your man and the BFF became friends will surface.
Have a Conversation With Your Man
If all else fails, just strike up a conversation with your man. We repeat – conversation, NOT confrontation. Speak about the values of friendship, tell him about the friends you’ve had in the past and the friends you’re close to now.
Create a safe space for him to be able to speak freely about his BFF because you understand friendship that goes beyond the sex of a person.
Such conversations can be very helpful for your relationship, as you’ll have a better understanding of him, what he values, and who he cherishes – and going forward, you’ll have a stronger trusting relationship.
4. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Finding out or knowing your boyfriend’s best friend is a girl can be a major blow to your love life – but it’s totally up to you to make or break the relationship. As mentioned earlier, we’ve all been conditioned to think that a boy and a girl can’t just be friends.
Almost all movies support this theory, but let us also not forget that these movies are made by the very people belonging to the same manipulating “society.” So, if you have unreasonable doubts creeping into your head, you’re not entirely at fault.
You’ll have questions, and answers may evade. You want to ask him why he needs to have a girl best friend now that you are the girl in his life.
However, before you make the big decision of condemning the friendship between your man and his BFF, start instead by giving them the benefit of the doubt.
5. When all else fails, give your man an ultimatum.
PSA: ONLY do this if after you’ve already done steps 1-4 – and if you’ve noticed any of the signs below.
You’ve been very understanding and accommodating. However, you’re beginning to feel like this relationship is slightly crowded most of the time. You had to postpone your vacation and cancel a few of your date nights in the past few months, and coincidentally, the reason has always been his BFF.
You look back at the time your boyfriend introduced you to his BFF, and you remember trying to be friends with her. She ignored you right off the bat, and you told your boyfriend about it. The wonderful human being that your boyfriend is, he told you not to mind her, and you agreed—strike 1.
Whether you’re planning a weekend away or a vacation together, your boyfriend wants to check it with his BFF first. Strike 2.
You check her social media (no, you weren’t stalking – it just happened), and you get chills as you see a strange pattern of her trying to sabotage your relationship. Strike 3.
It is time you have that talk with your boyfriend. Don’t dare go empty-handed this time; get some screenshots handy to back up your claim. Boys can be so irritatingly naive at times, but you have to intervene. You love your man, and you don’t want any manipulating woman to try and take him away from you.
Give him the ultimatum. Make him choose. You know he deserves a good girl like you, and you must don the shining armor. Show him, help him, and save your knight in distress from future distresses.
6. Look at the brighter side.
Not all is doom and gloom when a boy and a girl are best friends. It can have awesome benefits for the girlfriend, including:
- Your man isn’t sexist.
One thing that is certain and hands down the best realization from this friendship is that your man is no chauvinist pig. The toxic masculinity that can bring a rift in a relationship, in the long run, is almost non-existent – from the mere fact that he has a girl best friend.
- He gets a girl’s counsel.
This friendship can be in your favor when you know that he’ll always have a girl to counsel him. When he wants some relationship advice, he’ll go to his BFF – and trust me, the wisest counsel of boys don’t stand a chance at helping him see things from the perspective of the opposite sex.
Isn’t this then more advantageous?
- You get to work on your insecurities.
This could be a case of “easier said than done” because as a girl, you may start feeling insecure about having to share your boy with another girl.
When such insecurities surface, just know that you’re his love and she’s just a friend. Don’t let your insecurities get the best of you and ruin the beautiful bond you share.
- It’ll lead to a stronger bond.
This could be the first of many adversities that you and your boyfriend will come across. Emerging unscathed from this can teach you a few things about open communication, trust, and above all, love.
All these lessons can only help strengthen your love for one another. Love him for who he is and accept his friends for who they are.
The Bottom Line
We get it – sometimes you love him so much it hurts, and you’re afraid to lose him – but it’s important to understand and accept that friendship is a beautiful bond, and so is love. Friendship comes in various forms, and whether or not your boyfriend has a girl or boy or lesbian or gay or transgender for a friend, let that not be a decisive factor in your love relationship.
The age-old doubts of whether a girl and boy can be friends are really ancient, and you should not let such an old way of thinking interfere in your present day relationship. If you’re struggling check out the 6 ways to learn how to trust your boyfriend.
Having A Boyfriend Is Better Than Being Single – so don’t let his best friend get in the way of your relationship.
Above all, remember that everything and everyone around you is secondary. The only ones who should matter in your relationship are you and your man. Let love conquer all – and conquer him with love.