Getting into fights with your boyfriend is completely normal. In fact, without getting into some arguments, there’s a chance your relationship won’t flourish like it’s supposed to.
There’s also a chance that you have very few communication skills, which means your issues will eventually boil over and impact your relationship negatively.
On the other hand, constantly fighting with your boyfriend for no reason can indicate signs of trouble.
Fighting with a guy for no reason can be a sign of abuse and manipulation.
It can also mean you are unable to see your flaws or admit any wrongdoing in the relationship.
Alternatively, it can also mean he is unable to regulate his emotions in a healthy way.
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According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, around 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men are victims of domestic violence in a relationship.
In most recent news, the case of Jonny Depp and Amber Heard shows how a dysfunctional relationship works.
Depp is suing Heard for defamation, claiming that they are both the victims of domestic violence.
For people in abusive relationships, the signs might not be readily apparent. However, some of the most common signs include:
- Starting fights in hopes of getting physical or initiating verbal abuse
- Belittling someone through comments
- Initiating physical fights, such as punching, hitting slapping, hair-pulling, etc.
- Keeping family and friends away from them in order to isolate them and make them depend on the other person
- Telling the other person they are emotionally “weak” in order to make them feel dependent
- Withholding funds from the other person, also known as financial abuse
- Gaslighting, which is the act of making someone feel “crazy” when they really are acting quite normally, or saying they are being unreasonable for feeling a valid emotion
- Ignoring someone emotionally
- Withholding sex
All of these signs don’t happen all of the time in a relationship.
It would be easy for someone to leave an abusive relationship if things were bad 100% of the time, and an abuser knows this.
The moments of abuse might be sprinkled in with what is known as “love bombing.”
Love bombing is the act of showing extra affection and attention to a spouse after an abusive situation.
In this case, your boyfriend might start fights with you for no reason, escalate them to verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.
They might apologize afterward and remind you that they love you and promise they won’t do it again. This can be followed by love bombing, which can include:
- Buying gifts
- Having outings with friends and family
- Sending texts and phone calls with messages such as “I love you,” or “I miss you”
- Taking you out on lavish dates
- Promising they will change
If your boyfriend continues to start fights with you for no reason, and there seems to be no end in sight to this behavior, it’s time to seek a change.
It’s best to tell your boyfriend that you refuse to continue in the relationship despite their love-bombing efforts.
Unfortunately, it can be difficult to leave an abusive relationship, even if you’re tired of the constant, meaningless fights.
This is because abuse occurs in cycles, with the abuse occurring, followed by a honeymoon period, followed by a period in which there is an escalation to another fight, and the cycle repeats.
Always reach out to a trained mental health professional or even your local authorities for help escaping an abusive relationship.
If your fights turn physical, you should also file a police report in an effort to document the turmoil and possibly get your partner the jail sentence they might need to serve.
Being able to regulate one’s emotions can be incredibly difficult, especially for people with underlying issues such as mental illness.
Emotional regulation is the ability to, in essence, control one’s emotions in a way that makes it easy for one to communicate and share their feelings effectively.
If you find yourself unable to reason with your partner, this might be a sign that they are unable to emotionally regulate themselves. This can lead to issues such as:
- “Blowing up” easily
- Not expressing their emotions clearly
- Instigating more fights due to feeling unheard
- Crying fits
- Violent behavior
These issues with emotional regulation can happen for a number of reasons.
For instance, your partner might be suffering from the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, known as PTSD.
This is a condition that can occur due to previous abuse, such as being in an abusive relationship or even growing up in an abusive household.
People can also have PTSD as a result of traumatic experiences, such as being the victim of an assault, car crash, or engaging in military combat.
Unfortunately, these issues are all too common, and an estimated 12 million adults have PTSD in any given year according to the United States Department of Veterans Affairs.
Your partner might have already warned you that they are currently suffering from PTSD, or they might even have other issues such as substance abuse, anxiety, or explosive anger syndrome that could contribute to their constant need to argue.
All of these issues should be taken seriously.
It’s important to remember that it is not your responsibility to continue to be in a relationship with someone that has a pre-existing mental illness.
If your partner needs extra help recovering from their mental illness, discuss your options together.
You can either stick with them through recovery or choose to walk away if the fights and outbursts continue.
Although starting fights for no reason can be a sign of abuse, it could also indicate that there are some issues stemming on your behalf.
For instance, if you are always brushing off your partner’s concerns and don’t understand why they are angry, this could indicate you’re having trouble communicating with your partner.
Some partners might be shy and not want to express their concerns, bottling them up until they eventually explode.
This could be seen as having a fight “for no reason,” but really, it’s a result of bottling up emotions.
It’s important to speak with your partner about the logic behind their anger. For instance, if you forgot to grab some milk after work, are they angry at the milk?
Or are they angry that this is the 10th time you’ve done it? Do they have a lot on their plate and want a partner who can help them? Do they feel there is a lack of effort?
Breaking down the reasoning behind their anger can help your relationship go a long way. It can also help you understand to communicate better with your partner.
Every relationship is different. When it comes to figuring out why your partner is starting fights every day, the most important thing to do is simply ask them.
If the fights are accompanied by physical, mental, or verbal abuse, it’s best to leave the relationship and seek counseling and domestic abuse support services.
If the fights are due to an underlying mental illness, you should also speak with your partner about your concerns but know that you have no obligation to stay with them.
Finally, if it seems as if you’re still unsure as to why your partner starts fighting, talk with them or get help from a family counselor.