If you grew up believing there’s only bliss after marriage, you’re in for a big surprise. Marriage is hard work – and staying married to the same person for the rest of your life means having to accept a few things:
- Compromise! There’s no way you’ll agree on everything.
- You need to trust him and be ready to let go of jealousy and insecurity.
- Learning how to fight in a healthy way!
Fighting is completely normal between a husband and a wife – but you shouldn’t allow it to get so ugly that it ruins your marriage and bond.
Research shows that couples often have the same fight over and over again. You’d think that once would be enough, right?
Let’s take a look at 5 reasons why husbands and wives fight – and what to do about it.
Why Do Married Couples Fight?
1. Not Enough Time for Each Other
If only we could have all the time in the world to do all the things we want to do properly, like:
- Cleaning the house
- Spending time with the kids and extended family
- Spending time alone to pamper oneself
- Reading a book or engaging in a hobby
- Playing sports
- Travelinf and exploring
- Being intimate with each other
One of the top reasons husbands and wives fight is due to lack of quality time together, and not paying enough attention to each other’s needs – which also comes down to focus, and ultimately, time.
Everyone has got the same 24 hours in a day – and how you spend them and what you prioritize is your choice. Of course, it all depends on your job, kids, and other responsibilities – but you should never neglect your marriage!
At the core of spending time together are communication and respect. You have to put in the effort, and not just assume that it isn’t down to you to do it.
If you lived with your husband before getting married, you probably know how much he helps around the house or doesn’t. However, once your lives get busier and children arrive, you’ll start to notice that he isn’t helping even more.
And vice versa – if you’re the one who’s a little messy and can’t be bothered to clean, your husband might pick an argument with you. You need to agree on who does what and when – and you need to respect each other’s time and schedules.
This will minimize nagging and blaming, which can absolutely ruin even the best marriage. House chores do not belong to one partner; they are a shared responsibility.
You can’t be married to someone and not talk about money; it’s an essential part of life. Even if you don’t have to worry about being financially provided for, there will be things that simply wind you up – like how much your partner spends on clothes, or how often they invest in big purchases.
When you’re married, you not only need to think about the present time – but also make sure you can provide for your children and old age. You don’t want to retire on a pitiful pension, do you?
Don’t let money fights ruin your marriage!
4. Not Enough Physical Intimacy
There’s a cliché saying that once you get married, it’s the end of your sex life – and some people will probably agree with that 100%. You don’t have to be part of the statistic though! You need to make physical intimacy a priority in your marriage.
If you fight about how much time you make for one another, perhaps it’s time for an open and honest conversation, establishing how you both feel and where you stand.
In reality, it’s hard to find the time in between all other responsibilities and chores. And even if you have the time, wives usually don’t feel particularly sexy after cleaning the house or cooking.
Regardless, where there’s a will, there’s a way! Here are some useful tips:
- 13 Ways to Improve the Sex Life in Your Relationship
- Having a quickie in a public place
- Exercising naked
- Dressing your male partner as a woman
- Adult Nursing Relationship: What is it, and Why Should You Have One?
- Not Having Enough Sex? Here’s How to Please Your Husband
5. Extended Family
Family: you’re born into one, and you can’t change them – so, you might as well learn how to live with them. The same goes for your husband – his family might not be your cup of tea, but you need to be able to respect them (or at the very least, tolerate them).
Husbands and wives often fight about extended family. In a lot of cases, you may be assuming things about them or their expectations of you. In most cases, your families are just getting on with their lives and certainly not obsessing over your marriage.
At the end of the day, you two should be happy – so make sure you are and don’t feel like you owe them any explanations.
Now that you know the 5 reasons why husbands and wives fight, you’re probably thinking that it’s impossible to eradicate these problems from your marriage, but that’s where you’re wrong! You can absolutely tackle these 5 reasons and many more. Read on…
How Do You Stop Fighting With Your Husband?
The reasons why husbands and wives fight might be different, but they all have one thing in common: the two of you! Here are a few practical tips for you and your husband to try:
1. Fight better versus fighting less.
One of the first things to focus on is a mindset shift; shift the focus from fighting less to fighting better. It’s about having a discussion, not an argument. It takes a lot of practice and patience – but it’s definitely worth it.
When you fight better with your spouse, you listen respectfully – and actually hear his point of view. He has to do the same (hear you, and not interrupt or argue). It’s about practicing a more peaceful way to tackle disagreements.
Problems will arise, but how you deal with them each time will ultimately help you grow as a married couple – and ensure that next time the topic comes up, you know where you both stand on it. You’ll be able to acknowledge that it’s a common argument, and hopefully, move on from it quicker.
3. Identify the root causes.
One of the most helpful discussions you can have with your husband is identifying your “perpetual issues”. Spend some time together to go through problems that have come up recently in your arguments, and identify any patterns.
You might be shocked at what you discover. Perhaps some of them will fall into the 5 most common reasons listed above, or maybe they’re mostly petty arguments that shouldn’t even be given the attention that you give them.
Look at the common threads, and identify:
- How do your fights usually begin?
- What state of mind are you in when you fight the most?
- Is there something else triggering you, like work stress or children worries?
- Are you having the same fight over and over again (just dressed differently)?
Once you’ve identified your perpetual arguments, map out each partner’s side of the argument. This exercise is crucial to establishing different viewpoints, needs, and boundaries. Grab a journal and write it all down so you can refer to it later on.
For example, a fight you often have could be over “spending”. You like to treat yourself to nice dinners often, whereas your husband prefers to save for a bigger treat. Neither of you is wrong – but it helps to know where you stand on the matter and perhaps find a middle ground that you’re both happy with.
4. Don’t blow things out of proportion.
One of the reasons why little arguments can absolutely explode is because a small disagreement is associated with a larger argument – and the whole thing quickly gets blown out of proportion.
Once you’ve mapped out your common arguments, make sure you keep the small ones compartmentalized and only ever discussed concerning a specific situation.
This helps focus on the topic at hand and not turn it into something it isn’t, especially when you know you have fundamental differences in the larger argument.
One thing a lot of spouses do is globalize their behavior by using phrases such as:
You always do that!
Why are you always like this…?
This is a sure-fire recipe for disaster and a big and ugly fight. Don’t bring up past arguments and offenses. It can be hard, especially when you’re trying to prove your point – but it will be better for both of you.
5. Start by agreeing.
One of the signs of a healthy married couple is their ability to approach arguments with gentleness, not aggression. Open a discussion (not an argument!) by softly presenting an issue instead of attacking or criticizing each other.
The way to do this is by finding something you can both agree on – and go from there. This is a much better way to approach differences of opinion, especially when you’re desperate for a solution.
6. Dig deeper.
One of the hardest yet most important things you can do is to look underneath the argument and be really honest about the underlying issues. What is actually happening behind your arguments?
Are you worried that you have fundamental differences, and it makes you question the marriage as a whole? Do you really hate conflict and prefer to avoid it all costs – or is your husband reminding you of an ex who used to fight with you a lot?
Turn a classic fight about helping with housework into a more meaningful discussion. Here’s an example:
Wife: I’m really upset right now. I need more help with the housework.
Husband: Why do you feel this way?
Wife: I feel overwhelmed with everything I need to do around here.
Husband: Why do you feel overwhelmed?
Wife: I feel like it’s all waiting for me. It makes me angry when you don’t ask for help. I feel under-appreciated by you.
Ok, now you might be onto something! Yes, you want your husband to help you around the house, but it isn’t about the house at all.
It’s about you feeling underappreciated by him – and it might be more beneficial if he were to show his appreciation more and thank you often. You might not even feel the need for him to help you at all.
At the end of the day, this argument is about combining help with gratitude. This is what can heal it.
The Bottom Line
What it really boils down to is knowing the issues you have, knowing exactly where you and your husband stand, and working hard to prevent fights. When arguments do happen, approach them with kindness and understanding – not blame.
There are always two sides to every story, and that includes two sides to an argument. The more perpetual issues you talk about, explore in-depth, and tolerate, the less you’ll need to have the same fight over and over again.