Defined broadly, commitment is “the ability to dedicate yourself to an activity, person, job or location for a long time”.
It’s quite common for people who avoid long-term relationships to actually suffer from fear of commitment. Some people throw that phrase around casually, but in reality, being afraid of commitment is a complex issue that shouldn’t be underestimated.
Many people can never settle down or keep a stable partner because of their commitment issues, and might not even be aware of it. Fear of commitment could be the result of childhood trauma, heartbreak, or another uncertain issues – but one thing that is certain, is that being afraid to commit is usually painful for both partners.
Here are the most common signs you’re dating someone who’s afraid to commit – and 10 ways to handle it.
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1. He’s never had a long-term relationship before.
It’s easy to spot the signs of commitment issues, one being that he’s never been in a serious relationship before you. If he’s a grown man who tells you that you’re his first long-term girlfriend, that might be a huge warning sign.
What can you do?
For starters, you need to decide whether you want to put in the effort – because you’ll basically be teaching him how to be in a relationship, how to live with a partner, and so on. Are you up for the challenge?
If the answer is yes, then check out 9 Tips For Dating Someone Who Has Never Had A Relationship.
2. He isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are.
This can manifest in multiple ways. For example:
- He may be a true part of your friends’ circle, but he refuses to introduce you to his.
- He doesn’t seem very interested in making plans together.
- You get the feeling he doesn’t see you in his immediate future.
- He might actually sound enthusiastic at the idea of going away together, but when it comes to choosing dates and booking travel, he finds every excuse not to.
You get the feeling that there’s something bigger going on: his fear of commitment.
What can you do?
Not a great many things, unfortunately, apart from continuing to remind him that it takes two to tango and trying to help him open up to you. It’s important to call him out on his fake excuses and to make him understand that you need more than what he’s giving you at the moment.
Another thing you can do to get him to commit is by pulling away, and making him chase after you – which also means that you have to be strict with yourself! Put him low on your priority list, giving him all the space he clearly so desperately needs.
This approach is hard, but has multiple benefits:
- You prevent yourself from getting too invested in a relationship that might never be, and are protecting yourself from heartbreak by focusing on your own life.
- It’ll also give him the feeling that he might be losing you – which becomes the ultimate test for him. If he doesn’t want to lose you, he will step up his game.
3. He refuses to talk about the future.
A big red flag is someone who does everything in their power to avoid all talk of the future – not only to mid-term plans like vacations and events, but bigger things like where he sees himself in 3-5 years time, his career aspirations, travel ambitions, and more.
It’s normal to want to know what the future holds for your relationship, especially after dating for several months. However, when you try bringing it up, he makes a joke, changes the topic, or tries to act casual.
A commitment-phobe might say something along the lines of:
- “Let’s just have fun and see where things go.“
- “No need to define things this early on.“
- “I don’t know what I am doing this summer. I’ll think about it.”
- “Can you not tag me in any photos please?”
He’ll give you any similar, vague, deflecting, answer – pretty much anything to get you off his back and not make him commit to a plan.
What can you do?
To begin with, make plans involving your life without him, and see how he reacts. It might make him realize that he can lose you. It’s super important not to stop living your best life just because your boyfriend can’t commit to a plan or doesn’t want to.
Show him what he’s missing the next time you book an amazing trip abroad with all your friends.
You should still plan exciting things to do together so that when you have a lot of fun he’ll be connecting that feeling with you. It’s a powerful way to gain his trust and pull him closer to you.
4. He struggles to open up to you.
Someone who’s afraid of commitment will naturally be a lot more guarded – especially when it comes to his emotions. If you notice that he isn’t really opening up to you or sharing deep thoughts, it’s a sign that he isn’t comfortable being emotionally vulnerable.
What can you do?
Any strong relationship thrives on communication, authenticity and trust. When someone isn’t opening up, it undermines any trust in the relationship.
It’s normal not to know everything about each other at the very start, and it does take some time to reach that emotional maturity. But, as time passes, you’ll only get closer if you talk about your childhood, past, dreams for the future, life philosophy, pet peeves, and feelings about other people, your families, and work.
Show him that not every conversation should be casual and light-hearted, and that there are deep conversations you need to have in order to grow as a couple. Being vulnerable and open is incredibly therapeutic.
Try and get him to open up to you by showing him that he can trust you – which means that whatever he shares stays only between the two of you. If he opens up to you and you criticize or judge him, then he surely won’t do it again.
5. He doesn’t acknowledge the “we”.
Have you noticed that whenever he’s referring to plans or events involving the two of you, he says “I” instead of “we”? To an outsider, it might seem like he’s actually single.
It can be incredibly frustrating to feel like you don’t matter enough to even get a mention, especially when he talks about the future with no mention of you – as if that future won’t include you.
You can’t help but feel like you aren’t even in a relationship.
What can you do?
Call him out on it, whenever he does it. He could be doing it accidentally, or it could be another sign that he isn’t really committed to the relationship.
6. He doesn’t reply for days.
The worst thing about dating someone with a fear of commitment is feeling like you constantly have to chase them, when really, it should really only be the other way around.
You’ve probably started to notice a pattern in his behavior and responses to your calls or texts. He goes silent at certain hours of the day, he vanishes some weekends without making any plans with you, he stops responding to your texts as soon as you ask him a direct question, and so on and so forth.
What can you do?
If he’s suddenly stopped talking to you, consistently avoiding your texts or calls, or taking his sweet time before responding, bring it up – even if that means teaching him basic manners.
Explain to him that getting ghosted, ignored, or receiving half-replies isn’t the way you want to be communicated with.
It’s okay if he isn’t big into texting, or doesn’t enjoy talking on the phone, but you shouldn’t feel like you’re waiting on the other side of the phone for him to give you the time of day.
Another thing you try is to mirror his behavior. Next time he texts you or asks you a question, simply ignore it. It may feel like a childish game, but you need to teach him a lesson in order for him to feel how annoying it is to be read on ‘seen’.
7. He won’t make the next move.
He might be a perfectly fine boyfriend until a few years into the relationship – when you realize that he isn’t going to make the next move, isn’t even thinking about it, and sees nothing wrong about it.
You might start to panic at the realization that you’ve chosen the wrong guy!
You watch all your friends get engaged, get married, buy houses, and have babies – but your boyfriend is fine with just dating or living together, and not making it official.
What can you do?
This is a tough one, because you don’t want to end the relationship if you love him – but at the same time, you’ve got the nagging feeling that the relationship has reached its peak.
You might just have to ask him, and make it perfectly clear that you want more. You deserve to know whether you’re dating someone who isn’t going to make it official.
8. He’s afraid of losing his individuality.
One of the reasons he might have a fear of commitment is that he’s afraid to lose all his independence. He’s worried about having to spend all his time with only you, and feels like he won’t be able to get on with the things he really likes.
What can you do?
Show him that a relationship doesn’t mean him never seeing his friends again or doing the things he enjoys. Give him the time and space he needs so that when you do meet, you know he’s truly invested in the time he’s spending with you and not dreading it.
9. He takes you for granted.
You are probably acting like he’s the only man for you, and he knows that. He knows how invested in the relationship you are, so he takes you for granted – and isn’t in any sort of rush to change his ways.
What can you do?
Start dating others. If he doesn’t want a serious relationship, why keep your options so limited?
This is by no means saying you should sleep with a bunch of other men just to make him jealous. Rather, start chatting with more men, perhaps go on a few dates, or join a dating app – and make sure he knows about it!
One of the big benefits of this approach is that you can quickly find out if it’s this particular man who’s got fear of commitment or if it’s you.
If another guy is more than happy to call you his girlfriend after a few dates and introduce you to his friends early on, that can be a big relief; dating someone with a fear of commitment can make you question what’s actually going on.
Plus, when he sees that other men are competing for you, he’ll have to get closer if he wants to compete for your attention.
The Bottom Line
If all else fails, the biggest test for a commitment-phobe is, of course, simply walking away – and meaning it. It’s definitely not that simple, because it can be incredibly hard to do – especially if you’ve been with this guy on and off for months or years.
Call it quits, and show him that you don’t want to waste your time anymore.
If he likes you enough, he’ll come to his senses and commit to you. If he doesn’t, you’ll be grateful that you did it anyway.
