When you are dating someone, all you want to do is impress them, spend a lot of time with them, and ensure that you are a true part of their life. A huge part of their life, however, is of course, their friends and family.
You want to make sure his friends like you. It will be much better for your relationship if everyone gets along, everyone hangs out together, and it’s all amicable.
But that isn’t always so easy.
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Do his friends hate you?
Not all relationships are warm, fuzzy, and welcoming, especially at the very beginning. Some people are a little chilly when they first meet you, and there isn’t much you can do about that. It’s easy to assume that there’s something wrong with you if they don’t like you.
Before you decide how to handle your boyfriend’s friends hating you, first make sure that you are not making it all up.
Are his friends a bit stand-offish with everyone, not just you? Do they seem judgmental towards most things and people? Maybe that’s just their personalities, and it’s got absolutely nothing with you.
However, if you notice that they are actively provoking you, refusing to engage with you, or being passive-aggressive whenever you’re around, you probably should be a little concerned.
Perhaps they started off warm and welcoming but have eventually cooled off? They seem happy to see you, at least on the surface, but it doesn’t feel genuine. As soon as you turn your back, you’ve got the feeling that they are judging you and bad-mouthing you to your boyfriend.
What’s the source of their hate?
There are so many things that could be at play here – it would literally make your head spin. Do you have to find out the source of their attitude towards you? It will probably help you deal with them, or at least decide if you want to stay away from them altogether.
One thing is certain – you can’t make everyone love you, and the surest way to disappoint is to believe that you can.
Firstly, if your boyfriend has lots of female friends and he’s a popular guy, it may simply be that all of them want to hook up with him. Maybe even some of them have dated him in the past and there’s just too much history there.
They’d naturally be wary of welcoming you in their circle and would act like queen bees near you. They want to mark their territory and probably even intimidate you a little.
Secondly, they might just be overly protective. If he grew up with these people, they’ll know everything about him. You might just not seem like the right woman for him and they aren’t afraid of showing it.
Sometimes, it’s just a big test – checking to see if you are serious about this guy and whether you can actually be trusted.
Thirdly, some people just can’t stay clear of other people’s relationships and always seem to have an opinion. The truth is, no one knows what a relationship is really like by looking at it from the outside.
At the end of the day, it’s about you and him. Are you sure you like him enough to be able to handle his friends disliking you?
What was his relationship status before you?
One of the biggest reasons his friends don’t like you might be because he just got out of a serious long-term relationship with someone that they are all friends with.
If they got used to his girlfriend and thought the two of them were fit for life, the arrival of a new girlfriend will be a huge change to the dynamic of their friend group.
It also depends on how they broke up. Either way, you are the new one in their circle, and it can take a long time for them to get used to you – if ever.
Are you trying too hard?
If you really like this guy, you are probably trying to put your best foot forward and it might be a bit too much for his friends. Are you talking too much? Are you trying to please them?
Are you cracking corny jokes all the time? Maybe you need to tone it down on the PDA…?
Whatever it is, try to chill and act more natural when you’re around them. You don’t have to try too hard around him. If he likes you, he should like you for who you are, not some extreme version of yourself that isn’t authentic.
What role is he playing in all of this?
Your boyfriend needs to care enough about you to protect you from his friends’ behavior. He at least needs to take your side, no matter what. Watch how he acts when his friends are being mean to you or simply ignoring you.
If he hates confrontation then he might not do anything – but that’s just not good enough. You are his girlfriend, and he needs to be proud to be with you. That means telling off his friends if they are being rude to you.
If he isn’t helping you, then in most cases, you simply won’t be able to win over his friends. Try to enlist his help if you really want to improve your relationship with them.
For example, start by finding out two key things:
- What they actually have against you.
- What they like and enjoy doing.
If you find you have things in common with them, it will be much easier to act naturally in their company and not feel judged all the time. It’s hard to hate on someone who has a similar upbringing, background, or taste in music.
In order to find things in common, you have to keep trying to connect with them. It isn’t enough to just have a surface-level chat and nothing deeper.
Another thing to consider is how your boyfriend is acting with his friends when he’s with you. Perhaps they were all single and happy to date casually, and now that’s changed with him dating you.
If he wants to hang out with you all the time and ignores his friends or bails on them last minute, then naturally, they will blame you. You are the new one in all of this, and you’ve changed him. A few of his friends might just be jealous of your relationship.
Are his friends unhealthy for your boyfriend?
Often, someone’s friends’ attitude towards you is indicative of who they are as people in general. It isn’t necessarily a reflection of who you are.
Toxic people hate seeing their friends being in happy, healthy relationships. Watch out how they treat your boyfriend and ask yourself: Are you the problem, or are they just bad friends?
Perhaps they ask him for money all the time, or they have problems that are a little suspicious. Perhaps someone suffers from depression and makes everything about themselves.
Remember that other people’s problems are not yours to fix, but at least you could choose to distance yourself from them and bring some of the issues up with your partner.
Your boyfriend might not be able to see that some of his friends are purely toxic, that those friendships aren’t authentic or serving him well, or that he’s literally being used. As a new person in their circle, you’d be able to see the issues clearly.
The question is – do you want to get involved and talk to your boyfriend, or do you just want to steer clear altogether?
Confront them about their behavior.
The hardest thing you might have to do in this situation is to confront his friends, especially if you have proof that they have been trash-talking you. They may be saying things about you to your boyfriend behind your back – and he might believe some of it.
Next time you are with them, confront them in a polite and non-aggressive manner. You could say, “I’ve heard that you said X,Y,Z about me. That was really hurtful, and I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this behavior.”
Then wait for their answer. If they are decent human beings, they will at least apologize and clarify if there was some sort of misunderstanding.
Whatever you do, don’t be as rude as they are. This will only put you in bad light in front of your boyfriend. You can make an effort with them, but let him know that you’ve got boundaries too.
Disrespecting them means disrespecting him.
The tricky thing is, that if you start to be rude to his friends in return, it can only backfire and ruin your relationship. If you disrespect them or bad mouth them, you are showing yourself in a really bad light.
Disrespecting his friends means disrespecting him. He will feel judged because you are judging them. If you don’t want to make an effort with them, he will see that as you not caring enough about him.
Respect their boundaries.
If you want to win his friends over, you have to see things from their perspective – as hard as that might be. That means keeping your distance when they want to hang out without you. You can’t just invite yourself or show up uninvited simply because you feel undervalued.
When you are hanging out all together, don’t get all clingy with your boyfriend. Let him talk to his friends and try to respect his space. If you feel insecure around them, bring a friend along.
Remind yourself what is important.
You might have to remind yourself that it’s your boyfriend you are dating, not his friends. At the end of the day, you can’t make anyone like you. You might just have to accept that. The only opinion that really matters here is your boyfriend’s. If he loves you, that’s all that matters.
Remember that it’s absolutely fine not to be loved by everyone. Maybe you don’t even like his friends, you are just trying to win them over to make your boyfriend happy. The second you stop trying to please everyone, you become your real, confident you – and that’s attractive.
His friends might never like you or want to hang out with you. So, you have to be ready to accept that possibility as well.
The worst thing you can do is let it get to your head and feel down about it. The second worst thing you can do is give your boyfriend and ultimatum. You really don’t want to do that!
Making him choose between you and them is not an adult thing to do. Even if they are being mean to you, they are still his friends. Maybe you don’t like them at all, either. That’s fine! He’s still allowed to hang out with them and like them. You can’t compare friendships to a relationship.
You certainly don’t want to demand from him that he dumps them. If you do this, chances are that he will just dump you.
At the same time, it’s a huge red flag if he condones their behavior and stands up for them and not you. If he always defends them, you need to ask yourself – can you trust this person to stand up for you?
Not only that, but he might even gaslight you and make you feel like:
- It’s all your fault that his friends hate you and you’ve brought this all on yourself.
- You are making it all up and they’ve got nothing against you. It’s just your insecurities.
It’s important to keep an eye out for red flags like these.
Do your boyfriend’s friends hate you? At the end of the day, if you believe in your relationship, it shouldn’t matter what they think.