There are a number of things in a relationship that can cause it to fall apart bit by bit, but the truth is, sometimes the issues in a relationship are less severe than you realize.
Unfortunately, many people in a relationship don’t realize this, and they allow the relationship to fall apart as a result.
But why, exactly, do people look for flaws in their relationship and, thus, harm it?
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You believe that the relationship will fail eventually anyway
This kind of mindset is one of self-defeat, where you decide that this will inevitably fail, so you may as well find ways for it to fail.
This usually stems from people having poor self-esteem, leading them to sabotage their relationships.
For instance, if you believe you are undeserving of love, or your expectations of what a romantic relationship should be are unrealistically high, you may wind up looking for reasons to end the relationship.
This belief may be the result of bad past relationships that caused you to develop trust issues.
Thus, you may see your partner as a reflection of a negative relationship from the past, whether the relationship is as a partner, family member, or friend.
Even a small issue in the relationship could be magnified by the trust issues you have developed.
Some have the feeling that they are a bad or undeserving person, and in turn, believe that good things happening to them either don’t make sense or need to be corrected.
You may not even be conscious of the fact that you’re engaging in this self-sabotage, and thus struggle to understand when it happens, or why.
You’re just falling out of love
Honestly, this is one of the most common reasons why people look for flaws in a relationship, and it’s terribly unfortunate when it happens.
Often, falling out of love is something that a person fights tooth and nail to avoid, but unfortunately, it does happen.
When it does, you need to figure out why you fell out of love and how to address it.
For those who want to stay with their partner, the best solution is to communicate to them – both about falling out of love and their habit of looking for flaws in the relationship.
While this may cause a stressful, upsetting encounter between you and your partner, it is a conversation that needs to be had, at least if you expect your relationship to be a healthy one.
From this point, you need to ask your partner what they want and what should be done about the relationship.
The solution can depend on what exactly is causing you to fall out of love. Is it due to real or imagined flaws, and are those even justifications for the lost love?
Is your partner finding it difficult to express love (if they still feel it themselves)?
You may also be in an unhealthy relationship, which can make things even more complicated with respect to distinguishing between the legitimate issues and the issues you’ve imagined.
You want to justify breaking up
If you’ve fallen out of love, the best approach is to either talk about it or break up with your partner.
Yet, that isn’t necessarily how it goes, as this may form into a situation where you subconsciously try to search for ways to excuse why you broke up.
This can be both to justify it to yourself and to justify it to anyone who asks why you broke up (after all, to some, divorce is pretty taboo).
People have a tendency to find flaws in everything
Honestly, it should come as no surprise that people try to see the very best or very worst version of a relationship.
People tend to operate on extremes, preferring to go all in or all out rather than examining things with a degree of nuance or thoughtfulness.
While people can recognize and curb this bad habit, it is not at all uncommon for it to run rampant in their minds.
When you recognize this tendency, don’t worry – there are methods you can try to keep you mindful of this.
Upon recognizing this behavior, try to meditate on your thoughts. What is causing you to feel this way?
From there, you should try to be mindful of what you say to and about your partner as well as how you say it.
Speech can often come off as accusatory when it wasn’t intended to be. For instance, take a look at the two statements below:
“What is causing you to feel this way?” when phrased negatively sounds like, “Why are you feeling this way?” which ultimately is putting blame on you for your feelings, giving you a limited route to grappling with those feelings.
How can I stop looking for flaws in my relationship?
For people in a situation where they are looking to self-sabotage their relationship, the best suggestion we can give is to seek therapy.
Therapy can help you figure out exactly why you feel this way and address the root problems.
Your therapist can help you figure out tools to help you curb these thoughts and get things under control.
If you discover that you are falling out of love with your partner, couples therapy is likely the best solution (assuming you desire to continue the relationship).
With couples therapy, you can try to work through both your tendency to find flaws in the relationship as well as what is causing you to fall out of love.
Couples therapy does not necessarily succeed, so go into that knowing that it is not a cure-all.
During couples therapy, your therapist will ask that you both communicate issues from the relationship to each other and give you both tools to help figure out how to solve these issues.
Therapy may help both you and your partner to communicate more effectively.
How can I tell the difference between a real and an imagined flaw?
While trying to avoid imagining flaws in your relationship is an important thing to do, an equally difficult thing to do is to tell when a flaw in the relationship is real.
Much like how some people may have a tendency to imagine issues in their relationship, some people may have a tendency to ignore flaws.
The last thing we would want to do is have you believe that all flaws in a relationship are imagined, as some may be very real.
When figuring out whether a flaw is real or not, you need to sit down and think things through.
Is there a certain pattern of poor behavior? Does something your partner does impact you in a negative way?
Another good idea would be to share your concerns with people who are familiar with your relationship and its dynamic.
The more people you confide in, the better, but make sure you trust their judgment.
They may be able to help see if you’re imagining the flaws or if these red flags are legitimate.
